The wanderer's oasis

Boku to jibun wa nikaiwa hoshii

2005-09-22T11:03:00.000-07:00

Konban ni kangae mono wo miteru. Sagashite mo ore wa souzan ni naru bakari. Kokoro to tamashii soshite ki wa kantan ni wakarareu no koto wo kibou suru. Kibou suru.

PS. Onegai sensei daisuki na no.

20PAX

2005-09-17T09:20:00.000-07:00

~~1. I am a wanderer..a nameless one at that...~~ Ano ba yan...luma na yan ah!!

1. I am Ellen Cean's boyfriend...a madly in-love one at that...
2. I love eating, pero hinde ako tumataba. Baket???
3. I love drawing a lot. My perfect position for drawing ay...nakadapa. My works look better when I draw them in that position
4. I used to have a whole nation of imaginary friends (when I was a kid).
5. I don't last a day without using the computer (provided there is one that is connected to the net and/or loaded with games).
6. Nahihirapan akong maghanap ng 20 facts about myself. Why? a.) baka dahil nde ko gano kilala sarili ko, or b.) dahil mahirap pag-isipan ang mga bagay na ito pag sapilitan kang tinanong hehe
7. Nung tumigil na kayo sa pagwee-wee sa kama, ako hinde pa hehehe (Guess till what age!...)
8. Nung first year HS ako, tinanong ako sa isang English activity kung sinong Hollywood actress ang gusto kong i-date. Sabi ko Natalie Portman. Ngayon, hindi na. Heheh
9. I am a big fan of Jennifer Love Hewitt -- as an actress, as a singer, and as a comic relief.
10. I am a big fan of Final Fantasy 7 (haven't watched Advent Children? Panoorin mo na!)
11. I enjoy programming a lot.
12. Nihongo wakararetari hanashirareru...chotto dake (i can understand and speak Japanese...only a little though)
13. Nung HS ako, natutulog ako around 9PM - 10PM. Pag 12, late na un grabe. Ngayong HS, pag 12AM na, midnight snack time palang un.
14. Gusto kong pumunta ng London, Paris saka Japan.
15. Nickname ko rin ang mga sumusunod: "Doomer", "Pug", "Cerebral Palsy Kid", "Ambo" (mahahabang salaysayin...)
16. I enjoy watching anime, playing video games, hanging out with friends, and sleeping
17. Kabisado ko anglahat ng keyboard shortcuts ng pallette ng Photoshop (M - marquee, B - pencil/brush, U - polygon...)
18. (kayo na mag-insert)
19. I love hugs and kisses
20. I love my Ellen Cean so much... :x

itatag ko...? Kung may blog si Mirai Hoshizaki, sya nalang heheh (since natag na lhat ng kakilala ko boohoo!)

Word of the day: Anaphora Resolution

2005-09-07T08:02:00.000-07:00

1. I had a nice term. Why?

2. Because I had all 4.0's for my grades, with the sorry exception of one subject (3.0 for ADVANOS)

3. And because Ellen's grades went well, too! That one made me real happy!

4. I'm suffering now from information overload. I'm researching about anaphora resolution as part of our thesis (to develop a natural language translator system). And I can't seem to get my focus as to what parts of the diverse field of anaphora resolution am I to cover really. (You see, not everything abour AR concerns machine translation, but is this justification enough. I need experts to help me. Help...)

5. I'm going out on a date on Friday. Weeee ~ ^_^

6. Yea, six. My birthday. September 6...I'm now nineteeeennn!!

7. I hope the same streak I had this term will apply with all my remaining terms. I am now currently (still) a cum laude candidate, and I'm now aiming for magna. Wish me luck!

8. La na hehe

yami ni himitsu

2005-08-10T09:56:00.000-07:00

wakararenai itami sono morau koto kao no ga
nijuichi san ichi go jusan ichi hachi ni

During and after the N months of staleness... (too lazy to compute for N)

2005-07-27T10:35:00.000-07:00

1. ... I'm still in love with Ellen
2. ... I've seen the best movie yet: If Only. The bomb! 10/5 stars...
3. ... I feel somewhere in my mind that I am stupid. And I feel bad about it..
4. ~~... I feel like I'm not second best priority to you...and it hurts~~ ...oops, sorry...that wasn't my line...I'm still experiencing hangover from the film (see # 2)
5. ... I am in a conflict with myself. Sometimes I'm feeling things that I should not be feeling. Like anger.
6. ... I should feel how to manage myself...and keep cool... be objective always, even when things don't seem what they are
7. ... I have been addicted to DOTA, then kept a distance from it lately
8. ... I am swarmed with work. Big time...
9. ... I'm on a Jennifer Love Hewitt MP3 marathon...(see #2)
10. ... I love Ellen. So very much. It's been like this for a long time. And it feels good...
11. ... I feel so stupid sometimes.
12. ... I am at the same time on a high and feeling down. When will the irony stuff.
13. ... I'm thinking of sleeping. Maybe that will make me feel better
14. ... I want to hug and kiss my sweet Ellen.
15. ... I am in need of help. Please help me.
16. .. I am signing out now.. and for the next N months again perhaps...

To you, my one true heart...

2005-02-28T11:45:00.000-08:00

I want everyone to know that I have deeply fallen in love with Ellen Cean.

And for the first time after so long a time of pain and confusion, I have seen in her eyes the renewed clarity of things. And I cannot help myself but smile at the wonder before my eyes.

I know she has made a very beautiful difference in my life, as I feel happiness flood my heart whenever we hold hands. Never will I forget how she touched my heart. When I am with her, I feel that I can stay who I am, at the same time be whoever I want to be. As I hold her close, all I want to tell her is that I want to stay right beside her, watch over her, and build my heart's home around her. When our lips touch, I know I have come to that point where I can bravely say, "I will take care of this girl".

I will always look forward to hearing her energetic laughter over the simplest things we talk about, or how she sticks her tongue and raises her eyebrows over the smallest things we argue over. I can't wait till the scent of her hair carresses my sense of smell, as she so playfully tells me of stories so trivial nevertheless special to me.

To love you has been in fact the dream I always had as I sleep through my nights. From the day you told me how much you feel for me, I gladly knew dreams indeed do come true.

I love you, my dear Ceanne. No words can ever really amount to how much I feel.

And I want everyone to know that I have deeply fallen in love with Ellen Cean...

... my best friend, my girlfriend, my loved one...

...my one true heart.

214

2005-02-19T09:18:00.000-08:00

I'm quite tired too structure my thoughts, so i'll just list what I've got to say.

1. I've been asking myself "Will I be someone of worth in the future?" more often than usual. Maybe the thought that I'm past half my college life and still I can't feel I'm up to something good makes me ask those things. I just hope the answer will be yes.

2. There's so much to do. Somehow, I've imburdened myself with a lot of duties lately. I wish to let go of some of the inurgent stuff in my life.

3. I am smiling more than usual now. I have her to thank for this.

4. I am looking forward to an outing this summer, despite the fact that I will be taking OJT that time...

5. Or, maybe, just an overnight soon...

6. Yahoo Messenger audibles are bad for your health. Try putting your volume to 100%. Then, turn off all the lights and divert your attention from YM (like say, update your blog). Then, have someone play the "Giggles" audible when you're not paying attention.

7. L'arc-En-Ciel rocks.

Parking my brain somewhere...till next time, everyone.

Sabi ni Ceanne eh...

2005-01-28T07:29:00.000-08:00

My dear Ceanne told me to update. Okay, okay, so I'll update.

Hmmm...where to start? Well, my head's still in an awkward position. My headphone's internal wiring got a bit wrecked, so I have to be careful when moving my head lest my sounds will be cut off.

I know, it's a lousy start. But at least it's a start.

Come to think of it, not one year has passed, yet I feel like I've given a big part of myself to Ceanne, along with my other friends, Mike, Val, Svet, and company. No, it's not like I'm complaining; I'd have given them that much part of me anyway. It's just that I feel being nostalgic about such a wonderful chapter in my life.

A bit of recall, if you may.

I became really close with these people during my start of my second year (that excludes Svet, though. She was my first friend in College, and we've stuck with each other for that long already). Yea, second year, my suppossed-to-be-maddenning college year. You see (as per Bittersweet, the November 10 2004 post), my second college year marked my separation with then a very special girl in my life, which is to me tantamount to saying goodbye to my own self, and being left alone without anything. It was a traumatic breakup, needless to say.

It was at that time when I asked God where has He been.

It was at that time, too, when I became close with Mike.

Mike lives in the same vicinity as me, and our friendship started when I felt like not taking my usual route home. He showed me his own route which was faster, and cheaper. Yet, maybe with me still unaware then, he showed me more than a route back to our city (Yes, our school and houses are cities apart). He showed me another route in my suppossed-to-be-ennui-filled life. Up to now, I have him to thank for the loyal friendship that has kept me sane all this time.

At about that time, too, I met Ceanne. Funny, but back in my freshman year I used to pick on her, even without knowing who she was. My ex knew her, but foolishly, all I did then was pick on her (I'd call her name, and then walk away when she turns her head. Yea, burn me at stake for ever doing that). Never did I expect to be this close with her. And this is one of the nicest surprises I had in my life. I especially recall our first "real" encounter, when she tried to comfort me days after the break up. That came from nowhere, I was really amazed. Maybe that was a time I would forget as soon as I do my own day of birth.

And then, there was Val, too. She struck me as a jolly, kolehiyala, helluvarockin' girl. I still don't know if these are true (or am I just afraid she might kill me especially with the kolehiyala part?), but then all that remains fact to me is that she was a very thoughtful and approachable friend. Maybe, everything would have been different if I'd not shown her my "mental jumping rope" trick the first day I met her.

Ah, and then there's Svet. Lately, I've not been hanging out with her, but that's quite understandable. You see, when I decided to distance myself from my ex, she stuck with me. Although it was not something we really wanted, circumstances slowly whisked us away from our original group. You see, we were originally hanging out from people from our block, but then, when the trauma came, I ,out of confusion, reached new shores, that is, Mike's block. No, no, I still love my early group, don't get me wrong. Maybe it's just the circumstances. And Svet was very loyal during these times, that she never grew tired of looking at my batterred pained self. And as I slowly stood up, she was there to watch. Surely, having and not having her are two different stories; I'd pay anything to have the former.

I haven't told you about the others yet. There's Valen (she's one cool girl, I daresay), Rika (Yes, who wouldn't enjoy the self-confessed yaoi fan's company?), Marcus (my GGXX sparring partner and a good friend), Rex (Gaara's human incarnate who's a lot more kinder than his anime counterpart), Joyce (the resident "celeb" and a fun chatmate), Kitel (resident drama queen with a sense of humor and a knack for stories), Katcu (she who never ceases to be industrious, yet remains to be cool and fun), Antet (who can never fail in making me laugh). Outside the block there's Derick (a very interesting and thoughtful friend) and Bugs (who happily beats me up in GGXX). We all inhabit our home-away-from-home, the last bench in our college building's lobby. And then of course, there are a lot more others, who due to my alcohol drenched brain failed to mention.

Thank you guys.

Now I know where God was.

He was also sitting in that last bench, guiding me to where I will surely find happiness.

Thank you God.

Things you might want to know...(or maybe not)

2004-11-24T07:41:00.000-08:00

You might want to know that....

... I am still awake, because I can't sleep -- well not unless I've settled to myself that there's still tomorrow for me to study ASP.Net. Geez. Sorry, I am not complaining. It's just that, I really don't know where to start. Maybe I am reading the articles and tutorials too fast for me to understand something substantial.

... I am beginning to be pissed of by the thought that the repair guys who fixed my hard drive charged me for something I call sloppy. Yea, thanks for fixing my hard drive, but please, don't tell me you don't know where those device driver CD's I lent you are. I don't want to go to tha added insanity of downloading megatons-of-bytes for new device drivers. Oh heck, why do I need device drivers anyway? Oh, yea, I need to update my system to Windows XP SP 2 (For the nth time, actually), so I can have .Net Framework installed, so I can resolve item # 1 above.

... I have a Computer Organization and Architecture exam tomorrow. And I have failed my previous exam, that's why I don't want to flunk this one. I don't want to have my paper returned with a hardly passing mark, with the "Bilog ang mundo" slogan fleeting in my noggin.

... I am realizing all the more that I want a peaceful life 10 years from now. Yes, something away from programming and techno-stuff. True enough, my belief that the fast-paced technology-driven lifestyle emerging nowadays has dire disadvantage almost equal to, or even more than, its advantages is hardenning. But heck, what's here is here, and so I have to be responsibly wise enough to carry them out.

... I am a fencer in training. Fencing is one of the things I like that does not involve technology. Oh, correction... I just don't like it, I'm beginning to love it.

... this post might sound crappy, so you may stop reading halfway if you want to. Eitherway, don't complain.

... I find some people hard to understand. And I find them funny being like that. To me they are just caught in some silly cycle: a cycle which starts from happiness, then continues to turn until it reaches anger, hatred, and insecurity, which then turns into false happiness, hope and strength, which then continues to turn back into hate...ad infinitum, you get the idea. Sometimes, its more fun than annoying to watch them go on with their cycles. Hehehe.

... I am not about to talk about love again. But I can't help it. So I will talk about it some other day. Kishishishishi

... I miss my old friends from High School, as well as my first band of friends from college. We don't get to hang out as much as before, and I do wish it won't be always that way.

... I am not about to say that I am happy, strong, filled with hope, and all those crappy superficially optimistic stuff just to show people that I am not the opposite, and to show those whom I detest that I can stand up without them, when in fact by doing so, I look more desperate than how I really am. No. I will not fake contentment. Geez. I just hope other people will learn these stuff. It will make their life easier.

... lastly, I am happy, strong and filled with hope. Period.

Women Hate Slackers

2004-10-04T17:15:00.000-07:00

Enough said...

In the Navy...

2004-08-16T06:04:00.000-07:00

About six months ago, I was positive I will be robbed of twenty four precious Saturdays.

In compliance wiht the law, universities have to implement a cumpolsory program for students, aimed at invovling them in civil service activities. Dubbed the National Service Training Program, or NSTP, this program facilitates courses where students, whether they like it or not, would get into activities that were suppossed to add to national welfare. NSTP consists of two major programs: CWTS (Civil Welfare Training Service, I think...) and ROTC (Reserved Officer Training Command). CWTS is composed of programs that will bring students close to the impoverished communities throughout the area, and ultimately try to uplift these communities' lifestyle. ROTC, on the other hand, exposes the able-bodied youth in military sciences, training them as reservists -- possible enlists in times when the need for which is remarkably high.

When my university launched its NSTP course during my third freshman term, I found myself donning military attire. Two terms before, we preselected our preferred course. Though the idea of me practicing military conduct seemed cool, I was sure that was not my reason why I chose ROTC. However, the real reason escapes my memory now. What was certain then was that I soon found choosing ROTC quite stupid, because my would-be friends all chose CWTS (well, except for one, but she was assigned to a different military unit...). Whether or not I was in for a treat was thus something I will find out.

I never knew standing still for a long time could be so tiresome, more mentally than physically.
But I found ourselves doing the same stuff for the first ROTC sessions. And I soon found myself annoyed. First, it never dawned to me that we had to wake up 5AM in the morning, start at 630AM, only to stand still for the next hour, while the CWTS kids had to wait in bed til 9AM. Second, I observed that the military men handling the whole program lacked organization; they seemed to waste a lot of time deciding upon something, while forgetting that they have with them hundreds of cadets standing still dumbly. But maybe that's what they call disicpline -- I call it stupidity, though. And, because of this lack of organization, we were usually dismissed later than the CWTS, although we were supposed to go at the same time. I found this really stupid. My then girlfriend and our friends would wait for me, occassionally complaining, sometimes eating ahead of me. I hated it when it happens. I just wanted to be with my friends after ROTC, anyway. Before I forget, there is this female officer among the higher ranks in ROTC who did nothing but to shout at us, and act very, well, bitchy, as the cadets put it. (She was lovingly nicknamed "Sea Bitch", among others...we were, if I haven't told you, under the Navy). She was taking things quite personally, I daresay.

My first term of ROTC was so immemorable. Not that I want some memories from it. I got a passable grade from it, but it's not like I want to be the best cadet ever. In fact, I took every opportunity to absent myself from ROTC. I felt happy whenever there would be an activity in lieu of ROTC. And even though my absences were counted against me, I couldn't care more. In fact, I spent every session of ROTC wishing I had just chosen CWTS.

As the second term of ROTC neared, I was certain it will be the same ennui. It was than that what I call fate played with space-time and chance.

My girlfriend and I broke up. Moreover, my friends would rarely eat after CWTS. That means the things which make me look forward to dismissal from an ROTC session are no longer there. I loathed ROTC quite less this time. Of course, the usual stupidity, disorganization, and incompliance to schedule were occassionally there, but this time I cared less.

Honestly, this was the time when it seemed happiness has escaped me. But after moments of mourning, I knew I had to fight alone for a chance to smile again.

I never expected ROTC would back me up in battle.

More than learning military conduct, which I didn't learn anyway, I was able to make more friends in ROTC. I was a member of the Navigators, where I met those students from the higher echelon, and have made friends with them quickly. They were worth the while to be with. I came to , without me asking for it, enjoy ROTC. And outside ROTC, I would occassionally hang-out with these guys. In fact, a pack of them invited me to join them in their thesis group. It was quite an offer, I daresay. I appreciate having them around.

ROTC graduation neared with me learning to enjoy every session.
Then it dawned unto me. The lost reason why I joined ROTC has finally went home.

ROTC was for me meet new friends whom i can treasure. Enough said, I guess.

Sometimes, we make decisions with wrong reasons, and sometimes, even with wrong results. Sometimes, we regret not taking the "alternate" road, and we end up sour-graping, pitying ourselves for being stupid making wrong decisions. But sometimes, it's not always the case. Everything happens for a reason. And every decision we make opens a path for us. That new path may be either difficult or easy. But I guess, with some positive outlook, all paths would lead to something good -- yes, even the bad ones. Reality is how we see it. Whether happiness is real is up to us.

Last Saturday was the graduation rites for ROTC. Although it was quite the same recipe with a different flavor, still, I found myself appreciating the military men for their efforts.
I was never robbed of Staurdays after all. I would willingly give them, anyway.

To you, whose gaze melted my frozen soul...

2004-08-14T11:21:00.000-07:00

I am a shadow
Yet to be real in your midst
Between us is a vast world
Blurring our identities from view
Your hand's beyond my reach
Even when held out

You are the heavens
and I am the earth

This much is true

And when I think of the truth, I am pushed away by my fear
But when I think of you, I want to close my eyes
And jump into the vacuum of reality
I'll take the risk
And defy the thousand uncertainties
Knowing I fight for one thing I know is certain...

The Last Few Days Of My 4th Term

2004-08-14T11:06:00.000-07:00

The title says it all, except that these days are the most taxing of all. I am putting, and will still have to put my mind to the test. Right now, I've just finished decoding another expert shell in Prolog. I have to do so, so me and my groupmates can see the innards of an expert shell. Our goal is to build one ourselves.

Yea, boring, esoteric stuff...

What I don't get is why some teachers are sadistic. I don't know if they do it on purpose, or if they just lack organization that they end up piling all the work for us, or if this is the natural order of things for a college student. But I'm certain of one thing regardless of the circumstances: I hate it when they do that! I mean, they give students something heavy, albeit of their knowledge that these little kids have so much already at hand. And they are still able to look happy, as if they are enjoying giving students work. For heaven's sake, if circumstances may allow, you can help ease the extra pressure on us! Geez...

Oh hell...I remember one professor passing up an opportunity to make things easy for our class. Instead of turning the decision of the department not to give us any more projects into good news, he made matters worse by giving something awfully difficult in lieu with the project. I want to hate that one...but maybe I'll do so after I survived this term...that way, I'll hate his memory in peace...

Calculus is difficult. Really...

Prolog. I'm beginning to hate it. I vow not to see it again after this term...

Theocom (Theory of computing)...I used to love this stuff...until they gave us another clueless project, despite our being submerged in some other stuff. They could, well, have just thought of something else to compensate for the figures...argggghhh...

The only thing keepingme sane right now is the thought of the activities I will involve myself in during vacation, and the next term...

...and of course, the usual people who have made me sane all these years...

...along with some new ones...

I hope the devils surrounding me right now would go back to hell where they came from.

A Wanderer's Natural High's

2004-08-14T05:33:00.000-07:00

meeting new people.
eating cookies and cream ice cream.
clubhouse sandwiches and cafe latte.
successfully downloading an mp3.
sleeping 12 hours or more.
chatting on the phone or via the net until dawn.
acing an exam.
the thought of a coming vacation.
receiving friendship or love letters.
spending only one token to finish time crisis 2.
getting a program compiled and executed without massive errors.
waking up in the middle of a night only to find out there's still more time to sleep.
receiving a personal email.
singing like your favorite band in front of a cheering crowd.
receiving small gifts.
being sent a "good night", "take care", or "i miss you" text message.
saying "i love you" and meaning it.
being kissed or hugged for no apparent reason.

Trying my luck at poetry...

2004-08-13T06:46:00.000-07:00

I look at you
Wondering if you know that I do
Of you, I only have your name
But it's you whom I want to take
If the fates should hear
and make you near
I'll touch your face
To know if you're real
I wish you touch mine, too
My blood flows warmly for you
You are the heaven
I am the earth
This much I know
This much I want to defy
God's hand show me favor
Make me near the angel
Whose wings she hides
Beaneath her enigamtic smile

..extRa0rdiNaRy..

2004-08-12T01:00:00.000-07:00

a wanderer.. journeying through life that sometimes seems to have no end..

it has been a day since our overnight-- our almost sleepless overnight, at our friend's house. we spent our night there programming, prolog and java, for our projects. as the night crept quietly without us even noticing, we found ourselves not programming, but talking about things. getting to know each other a little better, and putting our overused brains to rest, even just for a while. aside from talking, we took pictures of ourselves, sent them to our emails, so as not to forget the moment. we slept at about 430am, still not feeling a bit sleepy but feeling a bit hungry [at least i was.. ;p], a bit high, a bit tired, and a bit more familiar of each other.

...supposedly written on the dawn of august 10-- the day of the overnight.. but i haven't had the energy to do so. so while i wait for them to finish their asmprog exam, i write this 36 turned 42hour-delayed post [since i had to pack up the laptop to watch rivermaya at the amphitheatre with him and the rest of the group] for 'the wanderer'...

i really haven't been with him [by him, i mean the wanderer..] that much today, with him being busy with studying for the exam and i busy with our mp. but that little time spent with this friend of mine today somehow gave me the thought of how lucky i am to be a part of that journey he is taking. i am even luckier to become not just a part of that journey, but to have the chance to get to know him as he goes through his journey, along with me and the rest of his loved ones.

who wouldn't at all be mesmerized by him..

serious.. yet he is funny.. with his corny jokes and all, which always make me laugh..

smart.. yet he remains humble.. his feet still rooted on the ground..

simple.. in every aspect of who is is..

sweet.. in his own words and actions..

thoughtful.. he is, without question..

this guy's definitely worth a pot of gold..

i can go on and on describing this friend of mine.. but i'd just let you discover that on your own..

that habitat for humanity [which for you information, was the first time i got to talk to him. well, not actually 'talk' talk.. he kinda just calls my name and says wala lang everytime i look at him], the introdb assignment [where we became groupmates and got to tell stories of our failing love lives and other stuff], the overnights [the latest overnight was the second overnight i was with him], and the everyday meetings and chitchats we have never really occured to me as extraordinary days.. but hey, turns out they are.. and so is he..

i really am so glad and blessed to have him as my friend. the kind of friend who'll be there with me in my ups and in my downs. he gave me the kind of friendship that would make me smile and feel good everytime i think of it.

~>

it hasn't been a long time since we became friends.
but knowing that there's a you in my life somehow makes me want to go on.

and as you go through this journey of yours,
please be rest assured that the wanderer will never wander alone..

thank you for everything..take care, God bless..
never ever forget to smile.. :)

~>

21%eviL

Of merits and learnings...

2004-08-11T09:03:00.000-07:00

"This is my day", my mother said.

She was happy. I can see it. Even if I can no longer recall how her smile shrunk her already small eyes, I would never forget how she was joyous...how she was joyous, that day.

The university where I go to, they have this annual tradition of awarding those who they have measured to have excelled in the prior three terms. To decide whether or not someone is eligible for an award, the university sets a margin for the annual grade avarage of the students, and those whose grade averages are equal or greater than this limit qualify. Roughly, the limit grades are 75% and 87.5% for second honor awardees and first honor awardees, roughly. (For real figures, those are 3.0 and 3.4, respectively, against the maximum possible average of 4.0)
During the middle days of our term, a list containing the names of the awardees is released. This year's list wasn't hard to spot, as every classroom in our building had it. It caught my attention easily, as those of other students.

The names on the list were ranked according to average. There were about twenty names -- the top twenty students of our batch of 500+ students. On the twelfth rank, my name stood.

I should be elated. But I kept the joy to myself. I just let the list do its job of broadcasting my acheivement. It's not my job, and besides, keeping a "secret life" is sometimes fun and rewarding. Naturally, those whom I know who didn't pay attention to the list were clueless. Not that I'm dying to let them know.

Well, except for a few people, of course...

My mom, dad, sister, aunts, uncles, and grandparents had the same reaction. They were very happy, way more elated than I probably was (or should have been).

An awarding ceremony was prepared for the event, and I confirmed my attendance, along with my mom and dad's, to this ceremony. They were excited; I was, at the most, only as half-excited as they were.

I am not pretending to be modest, if I ever seem to be so. I am, in fact, not pretending to be something else, for that matter. That was exactly how I felt.

Allow me to argue even before you judge me.

Awards like this, albeit their being prestigious, always seemed short of a real success to me. To me, they are matters unable to make changes in the world, or in the society, at least. The way I see it, the most change they can do affects only the awardee, and the immediate people around him. At most, new friends are gained, new respect is earned, new praises are heard, and afterwards, all is back to normal again. Very few really cared about awards and merits anyway, especially academic ones, so, where should I find the point? Maybe, academic merits may help someone get a decent job later on, but then again, we hear of college drop-outs running the country, and a bunch of clowns turning the government into a circus. Awards were no stigma.

Nevertheless, I find myself sitting in our university's best auditorium, attending the awarding ceremony.

I have noticed one striking point during the event: the university have bothered way too many people for this event. From the ushers to the security to the masters of ceremonies to the speakers to the guys who catered the food for the guests, they sure have put a lot into pulling off their stunt. And more surprisingly, these people who were just deprived of their weekend rest seemed happy doing their tasks. I was beginning to believe this day was indeed important and special, even though the actual distribution of certificates was so short that a student is only given about 10 seconds of fame beneath the spotlight.

After the ceremony, me and my parents helped ourselves to the food prepared for the guests. As I took my pick, my cellphone rang.

"Hey...where are you?"

It was Svet. She called me. And from the tone of her voice I can tell she's at school, and has heard from someone that I was around, and she called to try and find me. I told her our location, and a moment later, she was already eating with us. She was close to my family already, so we had a little chat with her. Looking at her, she seems happy, as though it was her who took the award.

After some chatting, me and my parents headed for home. At the cab, I can still feel the aura of joy resonating from my parents. "Parents", I told myself. No, I wan not annoyed. I was more of puzzled. I might never fully grasp the ways of a parent, maybe not until I become one myself.

When we got home, my mom felt like postponing for the next day some of her less urgent chores.

"This is my day", my mother said.

Like puzzles pieces, all of the scenes of the afternoon merged before my eyes, forming an image of realization.

I was, after all, successful.

And it was not the award which signifies the success. It was the mark of joy present in my loved ones. True, awards may be temporary, and yet, the happiness they cause to those whom you chose to offer such acheivement wither slowly, if not never. And it was in this happiness that I find the success I was looking for. True, my award never made this world better than what it was before, but maybe, I was looking for cataclysmic changes, anyway. My loved-ones' change of mood towards euphoria would and should have been enough change for me; little changes, after all, lead to the bigger ones.

At that, my picture of success became clearer than it was before.

Success is to make someone happy.

I probably have found myself so hard to please before realizing this. But after understanding success, I was happier. And so maybe, it is a bigger success if you have made yourself just as happy as those who shared this success.

Moreover, success, I believe, finds its fullness if one ultimately offers it to someone he considers sacred. In my case, that someone is God.

I smiled at my mom, quite speechless. Then I let out a laugh. It was a heartfelt laugh. The way she said that day was hers, along with my dad's silent, yet resonating euphoria, told me I was, in fact, successful.

Success is to make someone happy.
True success happens when that someone is you.
Ultimate success happens when that someone is God.

Brainpower

2004-08-09T07:19:00.000-07:00

Need it. Need to summon every ounce of it flowing through my mind. Mega doses.

I just took my break from code-breaking a Prolog source code. And I can't stress more: I need to summon megadoses of my brain power.

A bit of lecture.

Prolog on a nutshell is a logic-based programming language used especially in artificial intelligence systems. Its advantage is its specialty in inference. It's also the most obnoxious language a programmer, especially the type who eats C and Java for lunch, will ever find. It lacks the power of massive control over the system, as opposed to a traditional programming language.

Or maybe I just haven't harnessed its power, if ever such exists. Or more aptly, we were not "taught" sufficiently how to do so.

That's why I code-break.

I try to learn-by-example the deadly innards of Prolog by looking, tracing, and breaking the semantics of a source code I acquired. As of writing, I have already unlocked the logic behind the whole thing, but I'm still far from grasping the whole picture.

I know, you find this stuff strange, and you enjoy this lecture no more than I do.

But one thing: there's indeed glory in accomplishing tasks, no matter how big, trivial, or small they could be. I mean, there's some dignity in knowing you are working to acheive something pretty useful. This project, for example, could make or break my final mark on my Introduction to Artificial Intelligence subject, and my target average grade for the whole term, at large. So working for it means something to me, and working hard for it means dignity to me. Indeed, man feels dignified being at work. That's why thousands of our graduates try hard to find a decent job to land on.

But still, this success have varying prices. Sometimes, it just needs a 15-muscle lip-reflex (translated, smile), or, in my case, brain power -- mega doses. But dignity also finds its way through the burning desire of someone to pay such price for success. There is dignity in fighting. All the more in fighting alone.

I'm looking forward to breaking this Prolog code. And also, I'm looking forward to vacation. 15 formal school days more. 15 deadly formal school days....15 brainpower-spilling formal school days....yea, brainpower-spilling -- mega doses.

Feel My Presence, Once More...

2004-08-05T10:24:00.000-07:00

It has been a while. I'm back to break the stale for everyone.
Many might have wondered why I have been quiet for some time. Well, I guess it's just because nothing specially new has happenned yet in my life. Everyone must have been tired anyway of reading about a love story I have desperately and foolishly tried to keep alive despite circumstances.

I am now smiling.

Not for anything at all.

And that makes me happy. Somehow, I've grown up. I'm now learning to feel happy for no reason at all. My previous emptiness is slowly creeping away. I was, in fact, not empty at all...I was just caught up in an illusion. My fears, my pain, my sorrows...they are now slowly walking away from me...

Memories...

Funny how we cherish them so much that we try to pattern our present reality based on them. And by doing so, we lose the very reason why they are beautiful in the first place. They are plain memories, and that's why they are beautiful. Little by little, I'm beginning to grasp once again this beauty.

In front of me, a door of happiness was slammed close. But I'm keeping faith. More doors will be opened, and so they are indeed being opened before me.

Faith and Abandon. Two sweet words. Believe in a higher power, and leave behind the rest. This makes my life a bit easier now.

I leave again for now. But rest assured, the stale has been broken. Welcome me again, as one wound less of a wanderer....

I found out

2004-07-15T07:47:00.000-07:00

that when we're wounded
it's not the open wound which really hurts
for after the crimson blood escapes the gash
the stinging feeling will stop
but, like a curse, the scar will remain
as an ugly reminder of what happenned
a scar
tainting not only the skin
but also the very soul
the very person within...

As I wander
I now know which path must be feared
No, it is not that which is litterred by thorns
nor that which is shrouded by darkness and cold
not even that which is lurked in by beasts
It is that path which contains nothing
nothing
a vast space
a vast space, open and free to be walked on
a vast space whose horizon seems to lead to nothing
nothing, but vast space
Yes, it is the path wanderers fear most
It is the crossroad of hope and despair
sanity and lack thereof
it is the path wanderers should fear most
and it is the very path
where I wander about...

waiting
waiting hopefully
waiting desperately
for someone
to take the hand of this helpless child
and show me true horizon...

Tonight

2004-07-14T20:21:00.000-07:00

I sing a very lovely tune
a beautiful love song
for someone who's not even here
not knowing
that I'm singing a requieim
for a love that used to be here
As my voice becomes one with the wind
I pray for so many things
As my voice becomes a melody in the darkness
I cry for so many things
As my voice fades in the coldness of tonight
I fall silent for so many things
so many things
things I wished were no longer here...

Interlude ~ Diagnosis: SOSS

2004-07-13T08:47:00.000-07:00

Patient name: nameless
Age: withheld
Sex: straight male
Address: oasis
Civil status: single

==============================================
Diagnosis: Scans show that the patient developed an advanced case of Last Song Syndrome, the Sentimental Over Songs Syndrome. This was due to his being overexposed to the radio, especially right before going to sleep.

Reccomendations: Patient should undergo theraphy, where he should listen to the following songs:

Could not ask for more
Rainbow
Heaven Knows
The Remedy
No Stopping Us
Moonlight Over Paris
Close
214
Balisong
The Way You Look At Me
If You're Not Here
No Ordinary Love
I'll Be
Stigmatized
Wherever You Will Go
Iris
Adrienne
Unwell
My Immortal
Half Life
Barely Breathing
I Live My Life For You
She
She's Always A Woman To Me
Clarity
Love Song For No One
No Such Thing
Your Body is a Wonderland
Wonderwall

Interlude ~ Swimming in a frozen pool of water and more...

2004-07-13T08:23:00.000-07:00

Nothing of interest to you happenned to me this day.

Unless hearing about a young man being scarred again by reality, and falling like a helpless child still interests you. Or unless you still dig being asked by trivial questions beginning with "why", followed by anything pertaining to the unfairness of life and love.

Otherwise, let's skip this piece.

Again, I'm awake, although it's barely tomorrow (it's, as of this line, 11:40PM). I must have caught Ellen's insomnia. (And she must have caught my "somnia", because she's recently been sleeping quite early.) For that, I've acquired some more ailments. I'm now diagnosed to have a terminal case of LSS, which is the SOSS (Sentimental Over Songs Syndrome). On top of that, I've also been diagnosed to have OBS (Overblogging syndrome). I, however, don't wish to be cured.

I still feel like I'm in water. A while ago, I was in my uncle's condo unit, together with my mom, sister, aunt, and another uncle. We payed my uncle a visit, and we might have as well use his swimming pool. It was then however 9PM, and it has just rained. So the water feels like that from the fridge. I chilled like crazy under water. Yea, swimming in a frozen pool of water, all right...

Funny how swimming in water feels so much like swimming in my dreams and thoughts...

Better end this post before I start going back to that piece we "skipped"...

Interlude ~ Things I wanted to say...

2004-07-12T11:51:00.000-07:00

It's 3AM.
I've just finished doing my schoolwork, plus some other things.
I'm not yet sleepy. A few months ago, I have always stayed awake at this time. My body seems to miss those sleep-deprived nights.
Or perhaps something else...or someone else...that has made those sleep-deprived nights worth the trouble.

Where are you now? Are you listening? I don't wish to beg you for anything. I believe I no longer need anything from you. I don't want to say I miss you, because I believe I had moved on, over both love and hate. All I have for you now, I believe, is apathy. I never wanted to thank you for anything. But thanks anyway, for those memories that stay glued in my mind. Don't worry...time will come when we will both be in good terms again...maybe that time won't even be in this lifetime...maybe it will be at a time when you'd never realize that you are you, and I am me.

I want to haunt your dreams tonight, and for all for nights, so you'll be deprived of sleep, big-time. But I guess not. You're not worth the trouble. Just let me sleep tonight without dreaming of our happy days, okay?

Good morning...

P.S. Don't misunderstand. This doesn't change anything just yet. To me, you're still a ghost I deny of existence in my reality. Good morning...

Interlude ~ Interview with the insomniac

2004-07-11T08:10:00.000-07:00

I spent the whole night chatting with Ellen, through YM...heheh, she's such an insomniac, it was already midnight when we finished. But it was so much fun chatting with her. We talked about a variety of things, from our angstiness, to our musical preferences. This is just as fulfilling as playing Keisatsukan till death. It's really a good feeling chatting with a friend about things which interest you both, and things which piss you both off. :D

Interlude ~ Wobbly Knee Syndrome

2004-07-11T07:19:00.000-07:00

After being frustrated with the trigger of my gun, I walked away from the Time Crisis II arcade machine. Geez, the gun sucked. It demands special treatment, so much that I spent three tokens just finishing Stage 1. Usually, three tokens were more than enough for me to finish the whole thing. And I told myself that would be my last game. I looked for my friend, Mike, and he was playing Dancemaniax. It's a game I'd never master, so I just left it up to him. I looked at other games, when something hit my sight. It's my favorite game, Keisatsukan (by Konami, the best in arcade games). Oh, wait, it's not. It's more: it's the sequel to my favorite game, Keisatsukan!

Keisatsukan is Time Crisis without the pedals. To dodge bullets, you have to perform dodging and ducking movements. It's like the real thing. It's so cool! But in the first installment of the game, you play a nameless police officer (not in anyway related to the nameless wanderer), armed with an 8-bullet capacity handgun. You fight the coolest enemies. They're not the armored thugs you fight in TCII -- they're more like Yakuza members, which makes the game 100x cooler! I was dying to try the sequel, and so I did. Well, right after waiting for the kid who came before me to get his fill, which was about 3 tries, to my frustration. Well, it was worth the wait, and as soon as I swiped the Powercard Mike lent me, I took the gun, and my legs started to get excited.

At the opening screen, I was asked to select a character. Wooohoow, now I can play with four police officers. One was the same guy from Keisatsukan I, another was a cute policewoman, the other looked like Stevie Wonder on steroids, and the last one was more like a swat member. I chose the policewoman, cause she's cute. After that, there was even a location selection screen, which made the game a lot cooler, because you get to shoot people in different locations in Japan (like Osaka, and Kobe...). Yea! In about 30 game seconds, I was able to reach halfway the rank list (it's hard to do that, mind you...you shouldn't get hit, or you'll go back to the lowest rank again). When the game was over, i gave it another go, this time selecting my old pal from the first game. He was no longer carrying the 8 bullet gun, but something like a revolver with 5 bullets. (same weapon as with the policewoman).

After two games, I caught Wobbly Knee Syndrome. It's a funny feeling on your knees you get for overdodging bullets. It's Keisatsukan's side effect. But it was worth it, gyahahahah

Interlude ~ Owning a PC is halfway between heaven and hell

2004-07-11T06:57:00.000-07:00

Don't let the spirituality of the title scare you. It's JUST a PC, you know. It's just a machine. It's just machine capable of making you surf the internet, and chat with people, or write blogs (ahem). It's just a machine capable of letting you play games, or watch movies, or listen to music. And, if all else fails, it's a machine capable of robbing you of sanity. Heheh, that's what it tried to do to me this weekend. Yesterday, I was comfortably using it, when, for the nth time it showed me the dreaded "Windows have experienced a serious error". (One point why I still love my Mac, no matter how batterred it was -- macs rarely, and I MEAN as rare as you'd see an ant pee, do crash. Think Different...) I was about to give out my signature I-am-under-torment scream, when my PC did its signature I-don't-care-how-you-feel-I'm-going-to-crash-anyway reboot routine. And as I watched the white on black DOS screen sputter to life again, I ponder, "What the heck?..." I logged on, as if nothing's happened, and, boy, something DID happen. My desktop was cleared, and so is my start menu. Even my wallpaper morphed into a deafening blue space. I could kill. On top of that, Yahoo Messenger -- yes, the heart and soul of every internet-ready machine -- did its signature oh-no-i-won't-load routine. I could have been happy. "Oh geez...I'll just reinstall my OS, must have been a damaged OS..." And so I shoved my XP CD up my drive, ran it, and began installing XP atop my already-XP-infested drive. Doing this should pose no problem. Oh, no, it won't. Not until the maddening white on blue screen emerged onscreen, saying something weird like "Beginning memory dump", followed by a countdown. To me, that means "You've done something wrong. Pity you. I'll just countdown till you're insane." And yes, seeing the blue screen of horror everytime I load Windows XP was enough to drive any PC user insane. As a last resort, I booted using oh so ancient Win98 using my other partition, brought up the DOS console, and typed in "format d: /q". It's to a hard drive as rehabilitation is for the dope user. I press enter, and I felt better.

Really, nothing beats erasing all the contents of your hard drive. It's like cleansing your brain of stress. As soon as formatted my drive, I shoved up XP again, and, after doing another format (NTFS), I reinstalled the whole thing. I feel better now.

Interlude ~ Yea, I was right

2004-07-07T08:13:00.000-07:00

I am damn smiling.
Actually, just half right.
Midterms, after all, isn't over yet -- but I'm already smiling.
Why? I don't know
I don't want to know
I feel that if I ask myself why, I'd keep on asking
until I'm robbed of the reason I sought in the first place.

I'm half right
That'll be enough to me.

Smile.
" It's something people won't unaccept* ", I was told
Finally...
...something immune to rejection
It's hope to see that there exists things immune to rejection

Rejection.
The summation of every fear
A nightmare not bound by sleep
If so, then a smile is a very sweet dream
One unconquered by the darkest nightmare

I dont want to have nightmares

Now I know why I smile....

Let me look at you again

2004-07-06T09:22:00.000-07:00

because there was something I didn't notice
when you last looked at me and smiled
Let me smile at you again
because I'm guessing what's it in your eyes
Let me look at you again
and I'd be looking at the eyes of hope...

I am not afraid

2004-07-06T09:20:00.000-07:00

Not that I fear nothing
It's just that I feel nothing

If I call out your name

2004-07-05T08:19:00.000-07:00

will I hear you calling back?

If you find me alone
Will you stay where I am?

If I laugh
Will you do so too?

And if I cry
Will you miss my laughter?

If I told you I'm afraid
Will you put me back to sleep?

If I lost my worth
Will you still buy me?

If I break every reason to fight
Will you fight my battles for me?

If I told you what I feel
Would you smile 'cause you feel the same too?

Interlude ~ That's life...

2004-07-05T07:44:00.000-07:00

I am now at a time and space my schoolmates call

THE MIDTERMS.

Words start to pop in my head.

Overwork

Insanity

Dilemma

Trauma

LSS and a bittersweet love story.

Yea. You must know what I feel. I just got home from my first exam for this week, and I wish I'd learn how to read test instructions. Geez. Its perennial. I answer even before I read the question. Just can't contain my passion, huh?

By the way, I've completed my assembly programming project, without losing a trace of my sanity. Okay, so THERE was a split second of insanity afterwards. I was going to pass my project, but I got late (by a mere 3 minutes) for the submission. That might spell deductions for me, though I'm hoping otherwise...Arrrgggghhhh...

Tomorrow, I'll be taking my exam for my most dreaded subject this term, Database Design. The day after will be my exam for the second most dreaded subject, Assembly Programming.

Those are just my exams in school...

...not counting my 'exams' in life.

I know life has a lot of surprise quizzes in store for me the moment I open my eyes each day.

You must be thinking, I'm miserable.

Hell no.

So what if I'm punched here and there by fate everytime I try my best to be good?

So what if every nice thing I do suddenly loses worth?

So what if whenever I try to be brave, chance summons the darkest of my fears to haunt me?

That's life...

My life...and yours too...

It's all bore otherwise.

Ours is our own reason to be happy.

What is lost is lost

Nothing we do can bring back dead memories to life

But everything we do may bring life to new memories

I'll take the punches, kicks, stabs, slashes and gunfire

Take all of them in

Everyday...every hour...every minute...

Just as I assure myself of a chance to smile afterwards.

Because that's life...

...it's what we want it to be.

There's a rainbow always after the rain

Reality

2004-07-04T07:57:00.000-07:00

It is how we see it, so they say.
We tell ourselves something, and nothing else exists
Ours is our own reason for everything.

Happiness

Sadness

Success

Failure

Sorrow

Bliss

Love

Hate

Self-reliance.
What a sweet word.
What a deep meaning.
Happy are those who mastered it
for they are masters of reality.

Interlude ~ Nameless Codetalker

2004-07-04T06:44:00.000-07:00

Part time nameless codetalker, that is. Yea, I've been fryin' my brain since Saturday for this assembly language project. Geez, and all my program has to do is to do arithmetic operations. I'm beginning to dread assembly language. I've been talking Java in my sleep, but I can't imagine myself talking assembly language, sleeping or awake. LSS? Sure. ASS (ASembly Syndrome)? No sir. Oh well, at least I'm 90% through as of writing. But the idea of having three long exams this coming week makes me shiver.Oh, heck..after this I'd be damn smiling again. Oh, help me...I don't know which to hate: YM Beta or Windows 98...I'd better switch to XP soon...ooo so little time, so many things to do. Better be going now...

Yours is your own reason to be happy.

Interlude ~ One of those happy wanderings

2004-07-01T08:25:00.000-07:00

I'm here at my friend Mike's house, and I'll be staying here for the night' along with some other friends, Ross and Ellen. We're going to, um, get to serious mode and do some of our projects. I feel quite happy today -- it's those nights that I'm sure I'd sleep without my occassional "nightmares". I'm sure I'd be subject to LSS (Last song syndrome); we've been playing so much songs tonight...heee heee wonder what happens till tomorrow...

God hurts whom he loves.

One step off the escalator

2004-07-01T08:16:00.000-07:00

It was a frozen split second
one step off the escalator
to the first floor of the nearby mall
one step off the escalator
and again we crossed paths...

...yes.

my path has crossed yet again with hers.
with her, whom have vowed to give me forever
only to break my heart

one step off the escalator
and i saw her again
holding hands with someone else
with whom she's made the same vow.

frozen split second...

The rain pours

2004-06-30T05:12:00.000-07:00

as do the tears inside my heart.

I'm tired.
Very tired.

It hasn't stopped raining since yesterday.

There's so much...

...I want to say...

...I want to ask for...

...but words simply escape me.

It hasn't stopped raining since yesterday
and it seems it won't stop any moment now

as do the tears in my heart

A wanderer

2004-06-29T08:56:00.000-07:00

That's who I am.
That's who I think I am.
I shall remain nameless.
So call me everything.
Everything you want.
Just don't call me dead.
Not just yet.

Not until I've learned why I'm here
in this space
in this time
called life.

Not until I've seen why we love
just as much as we hate.
Why we hurt
and get hurt ourselves.

Not until I've given what I had to give
and take what I want to take
what I've always wanted to take.

Not until I've wandered so much
that I'd finally find a name for myself
and more...

This for me is reality...

...fate...

....tragedy....

...MY reality.

I am a wanderer.
A nameless one at that.